Hope and Dying
Hope and dying are not normally two words you would think go well together. But you would be surprised at how often I hear the word hope come up with my clients, who are either living with chronic or terminal illness or who are the support person of someone who is unwell.
Recently when working with a client whose father was dying the word hope came up a lot. She did not want her father to lose hope, the word death was being avoided at all costs. Some people believe that once someone loses hope, their illness will overcome them. Often family members also want to maintain the hope that their loved one will pull through this bout of illness, and will return to the life they once lived just as they remembered them. It’s important to know that there is no evidence based research to support the idea that losing hope speeds up death.
However there is research that supports the idea that maintaining hope is very helpful for the mental health of both a patient and their loved ones. Research shows that people with higher levels of hope show better adaptation, lower stress levels and are less likely to experience anxiety and depression. All valuable assets when living with terminal or chronic illness.
So what does hope look like for someone who is terminally ill? Many might be surprised to know that it isn’t always about avoiding death. And how do we maintain hope, when death is inevitable or imminent?
To answer this question let’s consider what ‘hope’ is. Hope can be seen as the expectation of a future positive outcome that is personally valuable and realistically achievable.
Where surviving illness is not realistically achievable for an individual there is still much room for positive outcomes that align with that person’s values. And this is where planning for death has the power to bring hope into a situation that might otherwise feel hopeless.
Discussions around what death means to someone and how they would like their final years/months/days to look encourage honest exploration of what is possible for someone who is chronically ill.
You might talk about what kind of treatment they might wish to undertake or avoid, what aspects of their life to they wish to maintain e.g. spending time with family, being able to watch the footy on the weekend, maintaining independence and those they are willing to let go of, like living independently or travel, finding out who they would like to have around them in their final months/weeks, where they would like to die, what music they would like at their funeral, how they would like their body taken care of, if they would like the choice of assisted dying when the time comes. Knowing that they can maintain autonomy and have their wishes honored has been said to provide great comfort to someone who is dying.
Additionally it has been shown that by removing some of the uncertainty around this period of time, we are able to maintain hope and reduce fear not only in the person who is dying, but in those who choose to support them through this journey. You can start by learning what to expect through illness, what the final months of a person’s journey might look like, what the signs of death are and how we can look after a loved one as they approach death. GP’s and Palliative Care Nurses as well as End of Life Doulas are available to provide this information.
These conversations aren’t always easy, and facing death whether it be the individual or their loved ones can often bring up more questions, many emotions or unresolved issues that need to be tended to. Speaking to a Registered Counselor can help.
Turns out hope and dying have a lot to do with each other. And while death can be uncomfortable and confronting, it doesn’t have to be hopeless.
